The air is hot and dry, sitting outside the testing center today… Outside in the heat, I take another hit from my vape, sitting under a tree sheltering me from the sun.

“Go through another problem, Test is in 30 minutes, I’ll do fine…”

“Where’s my coffee? I’m out? That’s fine, don’t worry about it. Go get another cup.”

I need to be focused. I move to the student center and buy 2 shots straight. The smell of coffee makes me feel better. As I drink, the espresso assaults my taste buds with bitterness grounding me. Like bits of electricity through my core, it relaxes me as it washes over. Hands are steady, sit down and start the next problem.

“What equation do you need? Think about it, write it down."

Repeating helps to remember.

“I’ll do fine”.

The ticking of the clock is inaudible on the wall. Glaring at me, as if to remind me I shouldn’t be focused on the clock at all.

“It’s already been 10 minutes.” “Don’t worry, remember what you’re doing, what’s the equation? That’s the one, get started.”

I have done this before so many times, the symbols have burned into my memory, and I call on them. I recite to myself as cannons fire in my mind to their targets, muscles tensing up as my hand dances across the page. My pencil, helpless in this dance must follow the lead of my memory placing what I need.

“Remember the signs, that’s it.”

“Finish it up and check your answer. Looks right doesn’t it, check it on the calculator.”

The calculator, sitting to my right, keys like a drum in this silent room. The echo around me from the clicking, is it louder because I’m paying attention? Is it that quiet in here?

“What should you be doing?"

"I’ll do fine... "

The test is starting in 15 minutes.

“I have time.”

My throat is feeling tight, like my collar is an inch short and I was carried away with the tie. I don’t wear a tie... I’m in a t-shirt, my favorite for luck. I knew I couldn’t get away from it from the beginning yet here I was, so close to the line, why now?

“Remember the formulas and the process, remember the formulas, remember them..."

Repetition is key to encode information in the brain, I have done this so many times, the symbols are like letters for a language that I know I understand. I need to keep my head clear, don’t let this fall apart.

“I’ll do fine...”

I arrive at the testing center early for my test. An older gentleman greets me as I come in, he has kind eyes but is preoccupied with something as he turns his head to me. The lines on his face tell a story of good times and happiness. I calm down just a bit.

“I need your School ID. Sign in on the sheet there. I’ll have you turn out your pockets and leave your hat, bag, phone, watch, or any electronic device other than these calculator models here.”

Pockets out, phone in the bag, wallet in the bag, vape in the bag, hat in the locker. I’ve danced this dance, I know the moves.

“Here’s your ID and your locker key; lock up your stuff and come back for your test."

I walk to the locker B15, like a model home in a suburb, this mundane locker is the address for my belongings until I finish. B15 testing center, SLC UT SLCC cam... My throat, tight again. Take a deep breath and keep moving, you’ve gotten this far.

“Check the formulas…Check your values, signs; it’s always the signs.”

“Here’s your exam. Part one: no calculator. When you’re ready for Part two, come back up, and you can take your calculator,” He says to me.

I reach out and pick up my papers; my hands are shaking now. Pencil, eraser, whiteboard, and marker. I held my stuff as I walk to the door reciting back to myself.

“Remember to finish the test first, don’t get hung up.”

Repetition is key, remember your process and check your formulas, my throat is not getting any better. My hands are sweating now, sliding across the whiteboard in my hands, I need to clear my head.

“Keep an eye on the signs and stay consistent."

I get to the door and woman who took my calculator turns to me before I reach the door, handing me a sticky note.

“Number 46; it’s just past the middle on the right. You have 2 hours,” She says to me.

I take the note and open the door. The testing center smells like stress already; sweat and tension in the air… no that’s just me. I walk my way towards my spot, 46 on the right, halfway down.

“I’ll do fine…"